Heaven

I looked at the sky

Feeling cold...

Gray-hued and cloudless

It's past 4...

I hadn't seen the sun shone

But I thanked heavens

It rained...

I's relentless outpouring

Reminded me of my own

I have not learned the art

Of suppressing

The tears...

The pains...

The hurts...

Just like heavens

I let go of the emotions

I have been trying to hold back

But cannot.

I submit to the outcry

of my inner being that I have

Been trying to stop

But cannot.

And I wept.

I cried.

Not just my heart's out

But of my soul's.

And only heaven could see...

And only heaven could hear...

In silence would the weeping be.

LOVER'S CROSS

This is Love Fought - two people finding each other; going through life's tough times; and love prevailing in the end.

I'm living in a world so chaotic

Full of confusions and perplexity..

In my childhood I was taught

"Go with the flow or be drifted away..."

I walked down the road of life

It was not easy

The surrounding was rosy

But equally thorny

Many times on my journey

I stopped to look at the view

In my amazement, I tried picking out the flowers

But careless as I am, I got pricked and wounded

I paused to think of those moments

When I got enticed and tempted

But LIFE is here to show me

That Beauty alone can be deceiving

I moved my way onwards

I come across stony and rocky grounds

I thought my sole could withstand

The pressure and strain below the earth

I paused to think of those times

When I have become so assertive and self-assured

As if I have never need anyone

As if my strength alone would suffice

I tried running this time

To immediately reach the end

But little did I knew

One step made me fall two steps backward

I stopped to think of those instances

When I have raced my way through life

Always in haste, always on the run

As if I am the Master of Time

In this lonely voyage

I got tired and exhausted

I looked for a place to rest

In my quest, I saw bodily figures instead

Maybe God may have heard

The utterance of this lonesome heart

Long have I waited

That He would bless me a dear one

Someone who would walk with me

Someone who would understand

Someone who would let me see again

The GREATER things in this life

I tread towards their direction

I was surprise to see three identical forms and statures

Standing there, as if waiting

Standing there in anticipation

I paused to think of those occasions

I was faced with the same dilemma

Granted several options

I have to settle then which decision to take

Without further thought

I took the hand of the coy and timid one

It was my heart who made the choice

It was my heart who whispered, "he is the one..."

He readily gave his hand

With a sweet smile he looked at me intently

My heart has never been this blissful

My heart has never felt this serenity

We traversed together

Through rivers and streams

We made it through the first lap

Never feeling tired nore weary

Somewhere along, each step became heavy

Each stride became burdensome

There were hurdles and blocks ahead

That our feet find difficult to leap

His hand slipped through my fingers

I lost my balance

I fell

It was too late to catch him...

I was left behind..he went on and walked ahead

I rest my face on my lap

With warm tears flowing freely

In sobs, I whispered, " God, help me..."

I paused and think of him

Could it be a mistake?

Could I be wrong?

How could it be when it feels so right?

I got up trying to catch him

I walked briskly as I could

I noticed petals of red roses on my path

This could be it I followed

I saw him sitting by a wooden shed

I rushed to him

Without a word, I hugged him tight

And held him close to me

"I waited for you

I dropped those petals for you to follow

I am here...I wouldn't leave you

We'll cross these lines together,"he mumbled.

The guy got something in his pocket...

A cross- a little silver cross.

He looked at me and said,

"HE will be our guide as we carry our own crosses..."

FOR THE LOVE OF YOU

The theme below is Love discovered- the realization of which can bring transformations to Life. A man finding love the least he expected it.

I was going through life

Unmindful, so detach with

My own self..with my own feelings..
Love was just a 4-letter word.

So blunt..hollow..ordinary

Little did I knoew

I'd fall the next victim..

So it happened..

I woke up one day..

Wearing a smile on my face.

I know it wasn't there before.

I looked sharply at my reflection

In the mirror

There was a glow on those

Brown eyes..

I know it wasn't there before.

I hurried myself up

There was vigor in those moves..

I know, i was sure it wasn't there before..

Then it came down on me..

Her name kept resounding on my mind...

Like lyrics from a love song.

Her face was all that I could see.

From the moment I'd ble heavens good night

Till I see the sun and its rays penetrating through

Her eyes were diamonds piercing into my very soul...

She was my all.. She was all of me...

This heart has finally found its half..

That's all I know and need to believe

Heavens and earth may pass away.

But not the LOVE I have long so waited...

LESSONS LEARNED

• You can’t stop anyone from hurting you, consciously or unconsciously. It’s the one single-most truth that you have to accept and live by. But you CAN stop hurting yourself and accept reality as it is. Don’t dwell in the pain- it kills. There will always be something good that will come out even in the most painful situation.

• In this world, reality is that after all that has been said and done; only You holds the Key to your Life… People may dictate your actions- they may judge your character but only you can ultimately decide for your own. You should know who you are and what you are made of- only then can you face the world without disguises, without pretensions.

• Happiness isn’t found elsewhere. It is not a thing that you have to chase like a child chasing a butterfly because the more it will elude you. Genuine Happiness is not found in things neither in other people- it is a state of being in terms with yourself. It is self-acceptance and being contented and appreciative of what Life has already given you. This does not contradict to striving for more of Life rather more of a complement. Happiness radiates when you do things that better yourself rather things that destroy you. You will be at peace when you know you have given your best shot at life and that is something people can’t take away from you.

IN DENIAL

This was originally written few years back when i was nursing a broken heart.. It's nice to looked back to those times when you thought LIFE had ended but actually it has just began...

I was being numb...I know it hurts but I couldn't feel the pain anymore. I know I was hurting- bleeding profusely. I have died so many times but not the love I have so long buried in the deepest recessesof my being..How can one be truly alive when a part of his soul has forgotten life itself? There were questions but no one had an answer. No- there were answers but the Heart has chosen not to reveal it. Yes-there were questions, lots of questions still that even eternity could not contain. Only Time can embrace all that is vague...

I could still recall how I came to know Love- vividly flashing before me were scenes of yesterday. I loved like I never loved before. He was all that my eyes could see. He was my all- He was all of me... It was strange how a young heart could love like that at such unexpected time. In my youthfulness, I experienced the most wonderful thing anyone could only dream of- I fell in love. We fell in love. Then we started building castles of dreams. I fell really hard. I loved without question, without premises, without making demands. I loved- no regrets..If I would be given the chance to live my life all over again- I would still choose to take that road. Along the way, I have stumbled a lot of times. I got bruised and wounded. Each pain, each hurt made me what I am now.

Where has Love gone wrong? I don't know- I don't really know.. Can't Love be a reason enough to sustain what is lacking? To heal the other of all the pains and bitterness? To mend what was shattered? To make the other believe that his brokenness will only be healed by the One aboveif only he will let Him be... And I will understand- He will understand. In time, both of us will understand. And soon, we don't need to ask and we will know...The Heart will just know.

I knew inside, the feeling has not left me...it may have been in deep slumber but it had not died. The flame may have been out for a while, but not the warmth- not the glow. I thought I had moved on and fully let go of every bit of Him but I was wrong. I was struggling, battling with this feeling ever since only to find myself fighting the battle alone. I thought I had won..I have been defeated by my own emotions...

I have not yet healed of the past though I put a face that I already was...and some have believed- but not Me. I sought for love- it was hard. It was like looking for a pebble in the sand or a drop of water in the ocean. I took every chance- hoping it can fill up what was void. I made myself believe that I was happy- that everything was fine only to be disillusioned. I tried to give the love they think they deserve. I did, but not enough. I can't seem to love the way I had loved the first time- loving with all my heart..loving to the fullest. It hurts me more to know they were hurting.

Now, I know that the only person who could make me understand and see clearly aside from Him is that same person who has caused me pain..that same person I had loved so much...that same person who has hurt the most...

In time, all wounds will be healed...broken hearts would recuperate..No masks needed no pretensions and the heart would know if it's finally Home...

RAIN

I originally wrote this dated Apr'06 when times were tough but I was able to get through...

And the rain pours...
So hard...over the rooptop


Over the boundless seas...
Over ME...

The sky wept again...
Droplets were like thousands of tears..
A manifestation that heavens might have
Felt agony...might have felt pain...
The way mortals do.

But behind the seemingly
Relentless outpouring
Is the fact that the world
Need it sometimes...

The sky must wail once in a while
The clouds must turn to gray...
The soil must be dampened every now and then...

And nature will rejoice...
Just as the living creatures
Would bow their heads
In thanksgiving...

The rain quenches every thirst...
The rain satisfies every longing...
They needed the RAIN
The way they needed the SUN.

For after all, after the rain
is the colorful rainbow...

And behind evear Tear
...Behind every Pain
...Behind every Ache
is the reality that
We need it sometimes...

And soon the rain will stop
And the pain would fade away...

I Regret...I Was Scared

This was my first composition when I was 13...I could still remember and I would quote from my RS class, “The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you love them.”

Long have I been pretending
That it isn't love that I'm feeling
But believe me it was never easy
For every now and then it keeps on haunting me

Long have I been denying
The fact that I am indeed falling
But please try to understand
Open my heart and the reasons you will find

I have always wanted to tell you how I feel
For you to know that it is something real
But everytime I try to
Fear hinders me from doing so...

I am scared to confess..
FOr you might think of me less
I'm scared that I might utter the wrong word and
That believing me you can't afford...

I m scared for you might laugh at me
And you will never take me seriously..
I am scared for once I open up and speak
You might turn away and leave.

I am scared that I will never gain your affection...
Instead nothing but rejection
I am scared that no matter how hard I try..
You just can't be mine.

I am scared that things will never be the same again...
And that our friendship will come to an end
I am scared that LOVING YOU
Might mean LETTING GO...

I am just scared- too scared
That's all I know
I'll have to wait until I'm ready to tell you so
"Give me time", says my mind pleading
"But until when?", asks my heart aching

Long have I been waiting
For this day when I can finally tell you everything
With enough strength I came to you
But before I could say anything
I was startled when you held my hand
And looked into my eyes saying that you're leaving...

At that very moment, I felt like the world will topple
My body froze, my lips trembled
Without a word, I looked straight into your eyes hoping
That everything was a joke and you're only kidding

But the last word has been said
The pain was real and my heart bled
Though it hurts, as the tears started to fall
I know it's time to let go after all...

"Why do you have to leave me now?"was all that I could ask.
Now that I'm ready to reveal, take off the mask.
You just stared at me and made no reply
But a mere "I'm sorry", as you bid goodbye

Yes-that's the truth that I have to accept
Though things turned out this way
There's nothing to regret
Except that I had waited so long to tell you what I feel
That I have become so reserved...
Though I know I have all the time in the world
I never tried still...

I regret...that I never gave my heart a chance
To tell you what's inside of me for once
I regret...that I have never been able to show you
How much I care
That I let fear overcome me
Now I'm all alone and in despair...

Wherever you are
I just want you and the whole world to know
That I love you and I always do...
If someday our paths would cross and you
Would knock at my door...
I'll never be afraid to open it.

When that time comes
I know, I'm stronger
Less prone to hurt and bitter...

For I have experienced the pain that's beyond compare
The experience of losing you...
When I decided to let go.

Tell me it's not yet too late
For God knows...

I REGRET...I WAS SCARED.